What do you think?
Rate this book
The Iris Trilogy #1
Elegy for Iris
With remarkable tenderness, John Bayley recreates his passionate love affair with Iris Murdoch--world-renowned writer and philosopher, and his wife of forty-two years--and poignantly describes the dimming of her brilliance due to Alzheimer's disease. Elegy for Iris is a story about the ephemeral beauty of youth and the sobering reality of what it means to grow old, but its ultimate power is that Bayley discovers great hope and joy in his celebration of Iris's life and their love. In its grasp of life's frailty and its portrayal of one of the great literary romances of this century, Elegy for Iris is a mesmerizing work of art that will be read for generations.
275 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1998
About the author
John Bayley
117 books15 followersProfessor John Bayley CBE, FBA, FRSL was a British literary critic and writer.
Bayley was born in Lahore, British India, and educated at Eton, where he studied under G. W. Lyttelton, who also taught Aldous Huxley, J.B.S. Haldane, George Orwell and Cyril Connolly. After leaving Eton, he went on to take a degree at New College, Oxford. From 1974 to 1992, Bayley was Warton Professor of English at Oxford. He is also a novelist and writes literary criticism for several newspapers. He edited Henry James' The Wings of the Dove and a two-volume selection of James' short stories.
From 1956 until her death in 1999, he was married to the writer Dame Iris Murdoch. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, he wrote the book Iris: A Memoir of Iris Murdoch, which was made into the 2001 film Iris by Richard Eyre. In this film, Bayley was portrayed in his early years by Hugh Bonneville, and in his later years by Jim Broadbent, who won an Oscar for the performance. After Murdoch's death he married Audi Villers, a family friend. He was awarded the CBE in 1999.
Bayley was born in Lahore, British India, and educated at Eton, where he studied under G. W. Lyttelton, who also taught Aldous Huxley, J.B.S. Haldane, George Orwell and Cyril Connolly. After leaving Eton, he went on to take a degree at New College, Oxford. From 1974 to 1992, Bayley was Warton Professor of English at Oxford. He is also a novelist and writes literary criticism for several newspapers. He edited Henry James' The Wings of the Dove and a two-volume selection of James' short stories.
From 1956 until her death in 1999, he was married to the writer Dame Iris Murdoch. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, he wrote the book Iris: A Memoir of Iris Murdoch, which was made into the 2001 film Iris by Richard Eyre. In this film, Bayley was portrayed in his early years by Hugh Bonneville, and in his later years by Jim Broadbent, who won an Oscar for the performance. After Murdoch's death he married Audi Villers, a family friend. He was awarded the CBE in 1999.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 217 reviews
September 22, 2018
It is one of the best memoirs I have ever read. Maybe this is because it is about the great novelist Iris. It is so beautifully written. One could almost feel the lived life of the couple, and notice that Bayley has shown immense love, reserve, and kindness toward his beloved.
It is a certain class of people that emerge in this memoir– writers, students, university professors and so forth. As a reader I almost felt as I were living in some university campus. I liked this environment and its depiction on the page. There is nothing hurried about it. All this alludes to the harmony that Bayley shared with Iris.
The memoir also poignantly shows how much Bayley loved her. One sees his genuine love for Irish throughout the book. Even before the Alzheimer gripped Iris, she had lived her life in a certain way. She was secretive about certain aspects of her life. Bayley knew that Iris might be cheating on him, but he accepted her promiscuity. Reading about this aspect of their life, I thought that two people when really come together and establish a true connection, they do not feel threatened by anything else. Emotions like jealousies emerge when one still has doubts about the relationship. When it still feels ecstatic and fragile. Most of us find ourselves between intense love and intense doubt. Only a few arrive at the most ideal stage in which one truly establishes a soulful bond with the other that does not need any external confirmation, nor does it demand ownership of any kind.
As one reflects about their relationship, one also thinks about the value of friendship, love, companionship, sickness, isolation, and aging.
One cannot help thinking about Iris, the novelist. The autobiographical environment of the memoir also makes me think of Iris' novels, especially the ways in which events, characters unfold, the things they do, how they talk, and what sort of intrigues take place in their everyday lives. Of course, it is Bayley who is writing but he is writing about Iris. So in queer ways, having read a few of her novels, the memoir speaks to me in multiple ways. It helps me to see Iris in spaces where Bayley, probably, cannot go, and I guess he is too kind and thoughtful to comment on what he does not know.
It is also interesting to see how they go about the business of living. This may sound cliche but at the end of the day it is the small things that matter in life; biking, walking in the forests, swimming in clear lakes, being in nature, drinking coffee. Only when some disease knocks at the door, small things become significant; even remembering one's name can make us smile and feel proud, walking a few steps, eating a few morsels of food, breathing normally and even calm sleep begin to feel like exquisite luxuries.
August 26, 2015
Description: In this frank memoir, John Bayley describes the life he has shared with his wife, Iris Murdoch, afflicted with Alzheimer's disease. He explains how he has coped emotionally and practically with the illness that has beset the woman he loves and cherishes.
Oh! the cruelty of a brain eating disease when the preyed upon had such a fantastic mind to start out with.
Also thinking of PTerry and Prunella Scales here.
Oh! the cruelty of a brain eating disease when the preyed upon had such a fantastic mind to start out with.Also thinking of PTerry and Prunella Scales here.
June 20, 2022
More depressing than good, but does just enough to keep one going
May 6, 2012
This book was already known to me as the memoir of Iris Murdoch's descent into Alzheimer's, written by her husband while she was still alive. (Never saw the movie.) I was less disturbed by the tragedy of Alzheimer's than by the unsettling dynamic between Iris and John and what it reveals about each of them—most of it revealed unwittingly by the author. It was already known that she continued to have a richly populated bisexual sex life after marrying John, but this is not what bothered me: after all, for intellectuals of that generation, open marriage was the default option. John is quite frank about this, and doesn't complain about it a bit, at least not overtly, but also gives no hint that he himself indulged. This might mean one of three things: either he did indulge but is rather coy about it (unlikely: you'd think he'd at least MENTION that their arrangement was symmetrical, if only to deflect anticipated questions about that), or he had no interest in doing so himself (which would explain his silence), or their arrangement was not symmetrical: she was allowed to sleep around, and he wasn't—which would be reprehensible on her part. I'm inclined toward this last interpretation, if only because—and here this becomes relevant to all the other aspects of the book—Bayley is clearly such a simpering milquetoast and is clearly so in thrall to Iris's force of personality, even in her dementia. (I'm reminded of the old man in the Jack Nicholson film "Five Easy Pieces"—who was such a domineering father in his prime that even in his utter incapacitation from dementia his mere bodily presence keeps his children terrified of displeasing him.) The book skips back and forth with the demoralizing diaper-changing rituals of daily life alone with Iris in her dementia—about which he keeps a stiff upper lip with occasional bursts of ill temper which leave him ashamed and guilty—and reminiscences about her past. A first section about how they met sets the stage, casting him as an innocent virginal schoolboy swept into the world of a glitteringly popular and sexually rapacious cult figure. Even that early on, one wonders what she sees in him. Much of the middle of the book tells, in dull detail, of lots of random tender moments and embarrassingly cute in-jokes between them, even relaying the most mundane details—which dish she used for what meal—the way teenagers do when they're first in love and worshipful, not realizing how these minutiae will bore everyone else. Bayley clearly still thinks Iris is the most alluring and interesting woman who ever lived, and himself barely worthy of her. More creepily, he doesn't manage to tell these anecdotes in a way that the least bit suggests that she felt anything similar toward him. Nor does he sell himself to the reader in a way that leaves us imagining she possibly could. A theme throughout his narration of the marriage is her taking off repeatedly to spend time away from him, mostly having affairs with Holocaust survivors, refugee intellectuals, Nobel laureates and the like—or all three in the case of Elias Canetti, whom Bayley does not name, though he's not at all concealing who it is, since he gives the old man's credentials and even lists some of his book titles, referring to him only as "the magelike Dichter" and such locutions. It's like hearing Dobby the house-elf talk about Voldemort. Nor does he say that Iris actually slept with Canetti. He recounts one meeting between him and Canetti, in which Canetti treats him like something he just found stuck on the bottom of his shoe. This is not reported with anything like anger or indignation; Bayley seems to feel this is in the natural order of things. Most readers with a casual knowledge of Murdoch's life will know that she had a decades-long love affair with Canetti, and that he is the inspiration for a type of character that appears in each of her novels: a charismatic but vaguely sinister and almost superhuman Svengali- or Manson-like emotional and intellectual manipulator that is the center of some circle of enthralled admirers. The fact that Murdoch would be attracted to someone like that—understandable, in a way, if that's your trip—but then keep Bayley as a husband does not reflect very well on her. She didn't want a husband so much as a pet. A pet who shuffles around in slippers and makes tea for her after she comes home all tired from an exhausting vacation on the Mediterranean with an actually *interesting* man. It is not clear that Bayley understands how sad this dynamic is, or that Murdoch herself comes across as a pitiless Canetti-type emotional user as well. Some reviewers interpret this book as a kind of revenge against a now-helpless Murdoch by revealing all of her infidelities. But this interpretation overestimates the English capacity for understatement, attributes to Bayley a level of subtlety that he clearly doesn't have, and also misunderstands the mores of that generation, for whom that kind of free love is not technically infidelity—nor, crucially, anything about her life that was ever at all a secret. Plus, it assumes—incorrectly, I think—that Bayley would have the balls to stand up to Iris like that—even when she can't say a word in protest about it. Ultimately, this book is very depressing, but it's the narrator that is pitiful, not the subject.
February 23, 2013
Having seen the film adaptation, albeit a while ago, I was surprised to find I enjoyed this book as much as I did. Bayley has a nice conversational style and this is very much a memoir and not a biography although, of course, the book is full of biographical details. It is also a far from objective assessment of his wife and her achievements; he’s happy to leave others to do that. No, this is a record of a flawed man’s love for a flawed woman. His love though was not flawed and it was certainly not blinkered (from the very start he was well aware of her limitations) but it was total; he was devoted to her from the very start. So if you’re looking to learn more about Iris Murdoch’s body of work or wanting to learn more about Alzheimer’s this really isn’t the book for you and it never pretends to be, in fact, as regards her dementia, in a single sentence he skips a whole eighteen months of the disease which I thought was a lost opportunity. Although the book is called Iris it could just as easily—more so in fact—have been called John because he really is the central figure here; this is his story even more than it’s his wife’s and so I suppose that might be another reason for it to disappoint but all of it comes down to the expectation of the reader as opposed to the intention of the author. I’ve no doubt that he achieved what he set out to do and was pleased with the results. Oh, and I know my edition was promoting the film but did we really need a photo of Judi Dench on the cover; a subtitle ‘Now a major motion picture starring Judi Dench’ would’ve been quite sufficient.
March 12, 2024
A very moving, touching and stirring memoir of this great writer!!!
John Bayley her husband, grant us short glimpses in their life with a tenderness which only genuine and true love can convey...
Apart from unveiling the real Iris Murdoch, his book makes the reader hungry for her novels.
John Bayley point at the person behind the great name...
Books like this one has made me a true reader and lover of novels.
A remarkable life, a monster (Alzheimer's disease), and a great love story.
Loved it!!!
John Bayley her husband, grant us short glimpses in their life with a tenderness which only genuine and true love can convey...
Apart from unveiling the real Iris Murdoch, his book makes the reader hungry for her novels.
John Bayley point at the person behind the great name...
Books like this one has made me a true reader and lover of novels.
A remarkable life, a monster (Alzheimer's disease), and a great love story.
Loved it!!!
January 23, 2014
I had to switch my four stars to three, and I'm sure it's worth four or even five stars to most readers. It's just that I had difficulty getting through the random memories and ruminations John Bayley brings to this book. Again, I lay the blame on myself rather than the author who is obviously learned, highly intelligent and intellectual (although he spends much time downplaying or protesting this). It sometimes reads like a literary circles name-dropping fest, other times is so introspective into the sort of in-depth regions of their romance, love, life together, mutual mishmash life in diminished world of Altzheimers. It was rough traipsing, a bit of a go to even finish it.
That said, Bayley has a wonderful command of the language, a careful employment of words, phrases, images. I don't guess I need to approve of his lifestyle, theirs; I probably would have enjoyed this couple very much indeed, as so many wonderful people did and have. For some reason he insists on making them seem a bit scruffy and off-putting. How many times did he need to mention their lack of interest in personal hygiene? So maybe it's just a little more personal than I needed on one level, and maybe that's also part of its charm as well. And maybe it really is worth four stars even if I didn't really LOVE it, just sort of... well, loved PARTS of it.
I'm glad I do own the copy I read. I think I'll have to go back some and find parts that are great. I can already feel that it's going to shift in my mind, that I'm going to be living with John and Iris a while. I've already quoted him in a piece of my own writing of memoirs. I'm definitely going to be reading some Iris Murdoch soon, and I'll probably follow up with some of the other authors he mentions, Barbara Pym for instance.
Okay, four stars it is!
That said, Bayley has a wonderful command of the language, a careful employment of words, phrases, images. I don't guess I need to approve of his lifestyle, theirs; I probably would have enjoyed this couple very much indeed, as so many wonderful people did and have. For some reason he insists on making them seem a bit scruffy and off-putting. How many times did he need to mention their lack of interest in personal hygiene? So maybe it's just a little more personal than I needed on one level, and maybe that's also part of its charm as well. And maybe it really is worth four stars even if I didn't really LOVE it, just sort of... well, loved PARTS of it.
I'm glad I do own the copy I read. I think I'll have to go back some and find parts that are great. I can already feel that it's going to shift in my mind, that I'm going to be living with John and Iris a while. I've already quoted him in a piece of my own writing of memoirs. I'm definitely going to be reading some Iris Murdoch soon, and I'll probably follow up with some of the other authors he mentions, Barbara Pym for instance.
Okay, four stars it is!
July 22, 2014
From IMDb:
True story of the lifelong romance between novelist Iris Murdoch and her husband John Bayley, from their student days through her battle with Alzheimer's disease.>
Cast:
Kate Winslet ... Young Iris Murdoch
Hugh Bonneville ... Young John Bayley
Judi Dench ... Iris Murdoch
Jim Broadbent ... John Bayley
Penelope Wilton ... Janet Stone
It's curious to see 2 characters from Dowton Abbey, Hugh Bonneviile and Penelope Wilton playing together in this movie. And Kate Winslet and Judi Dench are splendid playing the orle of Iris.
True story of the lifelong romance between novelist Iris Murdoch and her husband John Bayley, from their student days through her battle with Alzheimer's disease.>
Cast:
Kate Winslet ... Young Iris Murdoch
Hugh Bonneville ... Young John Bayley
Judi Dench ... Iris Murdoch
Jim Broadbent ... John Bayley
Penelope Wilton ... Janet Stone
It's curious to see 2 characters from Dowton Abbey, Hugh Bonneviile and Penelope Wilton playing together in this movie. And Kate Winslet and Judi Dench are splendid playing the orle of Iris.
October 1, 2018
Not being a fan of Murdoch’s novels, I picked up this book merely by chance, after having read a blog article about the “great Murdoch-Bayley love story”. I am not sure what I missed, but it did not seem such a great love story to me. I looked for more information about this couple and I found that Mr. Bayley’s took care of Murdoch during her final years, when she was stricken by Alzheimer.
It is indeed admirable what caregivers can do for their loved ones, once they are reduced to helplessness by illness. But this does not necessarily translate into “great love stories”.
While I can sympathize with Mr. Bayley’s, I found his prose clumsy and unengaging. His reasons to publish this book (which is part of a trilogy) are even murkier. While going on about how much he loved Iris, Bayley takes his time to describe her unfaithfulness and her fall into Alzheimer. That must have been terrible for such an independent woman, but I could not help feeling a certain gloating in Bayley’s words, as if to say :“You used to fool around and to be a darling of literary critics, but now you are just a slightly disgusting old woman. I finally got the upper hand and the last word”.
Perhaps I misread that, but it still left a bitter after taste. Definitely not reading the other two books.
It is indeed admirable what caregivers can do for their loved ones, once they are reduced to helplessness by illness. But this does not necessarily translate into “great love stories”.
While I can sympathize with Mr. Bayley’s, I found his prose clumsy and unengaging. His reasons to publish this book (which is part of a trilogy) are even murkier. While going on about how much he loved Iris, Bayley takes his time to describe her unfaithfulness and her fall into Alzheimer. That must have been terrible for such an independent woman, but I could not help feeling a certain gloating in Bayley’s words, as if to say :“You used to fool around and to be a darling of literary critics, but now you are just a slightly disgusting old woman. I finally got the upper hand and the last word”.
Perhaps I misread that, but it still left a bitter after taste. Definitely not reading the other two books.
August 24, 2007
John Bayley was told by a woman in similar circumstances to himself that “being married to someone with Alzheimer’s disease is like being chained to a corpse”. Unfortunately in this self-indulgent memoir of 40 years of marriage to Iris Murdoch it seems that Bayley himself has been the perpetual corpse, meekly and dutifully trailing along after his formidable wife and responding to her every demand. Even when she fully succumbs to dementia he fails to respond to the frustrations of the situation, preferring to relish his role of carer for an endearing “idiot child”. While beautifully written and obviously intended to be a tale of a great and enduring love, I found Bayley’s imbecilic doting increasingly annoying. I have always been a great fan of Murdoch’s novels, but I am unsure about how much I would have liked the author herself – particularly in her seeming ability to turn an intelligent man into such a pathetic milksop! Perhaps Bayley’s slipping occasionally into past tense when referring to Iris, despite the fact that she was still alive when he wrote these memoirs, indicates some kind of subconscious longing to finally be free? he must have been so tempted to lace her tea with rat poison!!!!
May 1, 2010
I read Iris Murdoch in college with my professor Dr. Roberta White. I loved Murdoch's brilliantly smart fiction. When Dr. White told us the author had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, my thoughts immediately jumped to the loss we would all have as her brain collapsed in on itself. I was dating the man who would become my husband, and I knew his grandfather had early-onset of the same disease. I had watched him try to talk to his grandfather, to reach the man he loved so much, and I had watched his attempts become more and more futile and painful. This book is written by Murdoch's husband and I couldn't have read it at a better time. We had just seen my husband's grandfather and it was the first time he hadn't spoken to us at all. In this book, Murdoch's husband tells the painful tale of caring for someone with this disease. But the best part for me was when he said that you have to accept that this is the person you love, and they are different, and they are still there. As a caregiver you have to forgive yourself for your grief and your impatience. It was a great comfort.
February 5, 2009
Oh my I did enjoy this lovely, touching memoir. A wonderful picture of a remarkable relationship. John Bayley is obviously the person who knew Iris Murdoch best - and I found this book to be such a lovely affectionate and truthful account of their lives together. There are times when I couldn't help but smile at their small funny little ways - their love of swimming and water (no wonder there is so much in IM's novels) their rather cluttered, and dare I say grubby houses, their own made up words that became so much a part of their langauge. Iris Murdoch's descent into Alzheimer's is told by the man who had to live with it, and it is beautifully and touchingly told. I must say the image of Iris Murdoch and John Bayley settling down at 10.00 o'clock every morning to watch teletubbies is a sad one indeed. The last section of the book is very poignant and I did have a very little tear in my eye as I finished it.
Read
June 21, 2022a victory for mutual solitude, writing in bed, and begrudging lovers of TinTin.
October 18, 2022
'Iris - a memoir of Iris Murdoch' (1998) and 'Iris and the Friends' (1999) - both written by Iris Murdoch's husband, author and literary critic John Bayley. The first book was written during the time when Iris was suffering from Alzheimer's and the second following her untimely death.
Having read both these books after watching 'Iris' - the brilliant Richard Eyre directed film adaptation starring Judi Dench et all, I was very much looking forward to reading both 'Iris' and 'Friends'. Unfortunately however I now understand that the Richard Eyre film was ostensibly based on Bayley's third book 'Elegy for Iris' (1999) - which I will endeavour to read in due course.
Nevertheless and in my ignorance at the time, I embarked on both 'Iris' and 'Friends' with some expectation. I was anticipating an insightful account of Bayley's first meeting, evolving relationship, subsequent marriage with Murdoch and to hearing more in respect of the devastating impact of Alzheimer's on Murdoch, Bayley as her carer and their relationship.
With that in mind, along with obvious feelings of empathy and symphony for both Murdoch and Bayley and the unimaginable challenges that they faced through Murdoch's Alzheimer's - it is challenging to say the least, to review both books in an honest way, without overwhelming feelings of being unkind, unfair or unsympathetic.
Be that as it may - my review is based on my thoughts and experiences and my appraisal of reading both of Bayley's books and to do otherwise, would ultimately be to patronise the author.
Whilst 'Iris' contains some passages concerning how Bayley and Murdoch first met and the inception of their relationship together, along with sporadic stories of their life together pre Alzheimer's, the overwhelming majority of both books seem to almost solely focus on Bayley's life. More understandably it seems in 'Friends' - as Bayley freely acknowledges his only escape and sanity seemed to depend upon memories and fantasies, almost all of which don't seem to involve Murdoch.
As such, both books were somewhat frustrating to read as well as repetitive in nature, 'Friends' more so, as it mostly amounts to a biographical account of Bayley's time in the army - all well and good if that's the book that you wanted to read.
In summary then and empathy/sympathy notwithstanding, both books were frustratingly not about Iris Murdoch, nor about the Murdoch/ Bayley relationship and overwhelmingly not concerning the day on day devastation of Alzheimer's.
The few passages that did focus on the progressive and degenerative nature of Alzheimer's and the stages of the disease that Murdoch went through, are unsurprisingly difficult and emotional to read, but they are all too few and far between.
Clearly it is understandable that Bayley perhaps didn't want to confront the issues concerning Murdoch and Alzheimer's head-on, if only for the sake of his own mental health and wellbeing, but ultimately both books are about Bayley and not Murdoch and would be more honestly described as such.
Having read both these books after watching 'Iris' - the brilliant Richard Eyre directed film adaptation starring Judi Dench et all, I was very much looking forward to reading both 'Iris' and 'Friends'. Unfortunately however I now understand that the Richard Eyre film was ostensibly based on Bayley's third book 'Elegy for Iris' (1999) - which I will endeavour to read in due course.
Nevertheless and in my ignorance at the time, I embarked on both 'Iris' and 'Friends' with some expectation. I was anticipating an insightful account of Bayley's first meeting, evolving relationship, subsequent marriage with Murdoch and to hearing more in respect of the devastating impact of Alzheimer's on Murdoch, Bayley as her carer and their relationship.
With that in mind, along with obvious feelings of empathy and symphony for both Murdoch and Bayley and the unimaginable challenges that they faced through Murdoch's Alzheimer's - it is challenging to say the least, to review both books in an honest way, without overwhelming feelings of being unkind, unfair or unsympathetic.
Be that as it may - my review is based on my thoughts and experiences and my appraisal of reading both of Bayley's books and to do otherwise, would ultimately be to patronise the author.
Whilst 'Iris' contains some passages concerning how Bayley and Murdoch first met and the inception of their relationship together, along with sporadic stories of their life together pre Alzheimer's, the overwhelming majority of both books seem to almost solely focus on Bayley's life. More understandably it seems in 'Friends' - as Bayley freely acknowledges his only escape and sanity seemed to depend upon memories and fantasies, almost all of which don't seem to involve Murdoch.
As such, both books were somewhat frustrating to read as well as repetitive in nature, 'Friends' more so, as it mostly amounts to a biographical account of Bayley's time in the army - all well and good if that's the book that you wanted to read.
In summary then and empathy/sympathy notwithstanding, both books were frustratingly not about Iris Murdoch, nor about the Murdoch/ Bayley relationship and overwhelmingly not concerning the day on day devastation of Alzheimer's.
The few passages that did focus on the progressive and degenerative nature of Alzheimer's and the stages of the disease that Murdoch went through, are unsurprisingly difficult and emotional to read, but they are all too few and far between.
Clearly it is understandable that Bayley perhaps didn't want to confront the issues concerning Murdoch and Alzheimer's head-on, if only for the sake of his own mental health and wellbeing, but ultimately both books are about Bayley and not Murdoch and would be more honestly described as such.
August 23, 2015
From IMDb:
True story of the lifelong romance between novelist Iris Murdoch and her husband John Bayley, from their student days through her battle with Alzheimer's disease.
Starring : Judi Dench, Jim Broadbent, Kate Winslet
True story of the lifelong romance between novelist Iris Murdoch and her husband John Bayley, from their student days through her battle with Alzheimer's disease.
Starring : Judi Dench, Jim Broadbent, Kate Winslet
June 14, 2014
It is rare that I find a film better than a book, but I began to find the air of faintly inferior self-deprecation by Bayley (as an Oxford professor it is safe to assume this is at least somewhat feigned) a tad annoying. The book also eschewed a warts and all in favour of a eulogy in which Bagley's foibles and errors were gently accepted and tolerated by an angelic figure.
The story of a descent from Platonic philosopher to a figure Hayley parked in front of the teletubbies is extraordinarily sad in its own way, but no sense was ever given of Iris's own attitude to this. She seemed to go from lucid to a few occasions of obviously failing mental strength to teletubbies with no account of the fear or thoughts that must have accompanied this - indeed it is in writing this that it becomes apparent that it is not even clear that a good sense of how long the process from philosopher to child took is given.
The story of a descent from Platonic philosopher to a figure Hayley parked in front of the teletubbies is extraordinarily sad in its own way, but no sense was ever given of Iris's own attitude to this. She seemed to go from lucid to a few occasions of obviously failing mental strength to teletubbies with no account of the fear or thoughts that must have accompanied this - indeed it is in writing this that it becomes apparent that it is not even clear that a good sense of how long the process from philosopher to child took is given.
September 27, 2014
Reading this feels like a betrayal of privacy. Is it really OK for a husband to expose his wife's private life when she no longer retains the mental capacity to defend herself? Not only is this memoir badly and awkwardly written, but it reeks of bitterness. Yes, Bayley suffered throughout his marriage to Iris Murdoch, but this vengeful blot on her reputation serves no other purpose than to satisfy an old man's desire to sing a sad song of his second-rate existence. (Ouch, sorry John.)
March 12, 2008
Felt quite uncomfortable reading this - like watching someone vulnerable being exposed.
May 17, 2023
Tämän kirjan kirjoittaja kertoo elämästään kuuluisan ja rakastetun kirjailijaikonin, Iris Murdochin, kanssa. Erityisesti kirja keskittyy viimeisiin vuosiin, jolloin Iriksen ihmeelliset aivot valtaa Alzheimerin tauti, mutta pitkä avioliitto kuvautuu kauniisti. Olen heikkona kirjoihin, joissa kerrotaan millaista kirjailijan työ on. Tämänkin kirjan vaikuttavimmat kohdat kuvaavat kahden kirjailijan talouden arkea, millaista on, kun molemmat työskentelevät omissa maailmoissaan, keskittyneinä ajatteluun. Kateellisena kuvittelen kokouksetonta työelämää :D
Tätä kirjaa teki mieli lukea hitaasti ja uppoutua kauniiseen kieleen ja juuri sopivalla tavalla epäkronologisesti kietoutuvaan kerrontaan. Alzheimerin taudin syvin olemus jää arvoitukseksi - niin kuin se toki 20 vuotta sitten olikin, ja on edelleen. Rakastin epäkliinistä otetta sairastamiseen. Päätösluku Iriksen viimeisestä joulusta oli yksi kauneimmista joulukuvauksista kirjallisuudessa.
Tätä kirjaa teki mieli lukea hitaasti ja uppoutua kauniiseen kieleen ja juuri sopivalla tavalla epäkronologisesti kietoutuvaan kerrontaan. Alzheimerin taudin syvin olemus jää arvoitukseksi - niin kuin se toki 20 vuotta sitten olikin, ja on edelleen. Rakastin epäkliinistä otetta sairastamiseen. Päätösluku Iriksen viimeisestä joulusta oli yksi kauneimmista joulukuvauksista kirjallisuudessa.
December 14, 2015
In this poignant memoir, looking back to their meeting, "courtship" and marriage, Bayley eloquently describes his marriage to Iris Murdock as separateness, yet togetherness, each pursuing their illustrious academic careers. Never overly romantic but never estranged, it is a comfortable companionship, made up of common interests - a swim in the river ( they take their honeymoon on the continent searching for rivers to swim in, with delightful and comical experiences), radio broadcasts at lunchtime and walks in the spring. As dimentia sets in, Bayley becomes Iris' sole caretaker. He writes about the delights, anxieties and anger he experiences as she descends into Alzheimer's disease and how it somehow makes them much closer. His literary style is reflected in the elegantly constructed sentences, and myriad references to authors (many of whom the couple knew personally) and English literature.
December 31, 2015
What an unpleasant and actually repellent read this is. I love Iris Murdoch's fiction and hoped to get some insights into her personality and writing process. Instead the book is a hodge-podge of unrelated anecdotes, mostly about Baylay's needs and interests. Do I really need to know that housekeeping, gardening, and personal hygiene were not a priority for them? Or that he had to wrestle her to get her clothing off so he could put clean clothes on her dirty body? Ugh. I know that living with an Alzheimer's patient is no picnic, but surely after a life together, he could have put the focus elsewhere. All the famous people who wrote cover blurbs either don't mind this or they read a completely different book.
February 9, 2021
There are some lovely poignant moments in this book that kept me reading, but ultimately I found it disappointing. I felt that I was mostly being told about Iris, rather than really seeing their intimacy at work in real time. (In the few scenes where that was front and center, I felt much more connected). There's a lot of detail about people/places that aren't really brought to life, if you don't know or care about who they are. In fact, much of the book feels more like an internal journal than a memoir. The places where Bayley shows his vulnerability amidst Iris's deterioration are stunning, but there's a lot of back story, which would have been stronger if it really zeroed in on the agony and the ecstasy of their relationship, showing how profound this loss was.
April 28, 2013
John Bayley’s memoir about his wife, award-winning author Iris Murdoch, who was still alive at the time he wrote this - but her mind was almost entirely lost to Alzheimer’s Disease.
I picked this up because I liked the movie; I watched the movie not because I’d ever heard of Iris Murdoch but because it stars Judi Dench and Jim Broadbent as the older Iris and John, and Kate Winslet and Hugh Bonneville as the younger versions. That’s a great team of actors, and the movie is good.
I found the book a bit unsatisfying. It’s a short, disorganized collection of Bayley’s memories of his wife, interspersed with melancholy bits about her current child-like existence and his frustration with it.
I picked this up because I liked the movie; I watched the movie not because I’d ever heard of Iris Murdoch but because it stars Judi Dench and Jim Broadbent as the older Iris and John, and Kate Winslet and Hugh Bonneville as the younger versions. That’s a great team of actors, and the movie is good.
I found the book a bit unsatisfying. It’s a short, disorganized collection of Bayley’s memories of his wife, interspersed with melancholy bits about her current child-like existence and his frustration with it.
April 12, 2010
Rather than a discussion of the descent into Alzheimer's, this is a memoir of a much-loved companion, consort, and wife. Because of the location and the era, much of it was beyond my level of affinity, and I like to get inside a book and feel comfortable. This one didn't do it. The last couple of chapters were insightful, about the methods he used to try to keep the relationship real to him when she no longer was truly in the moment.
March 20, 2012
I only made it halfway through, but the first half's description of John and Iris' early relationship and early marriage felt intimate and very real. As a complete romantic, I found these pages simply lovely. I have not read any Iris Murdoch novels, but I want to now--and I plan on revisiting this book in the future someday (after I've read these novels). I'm just not ready to read about Iris' debilitating Alzheimer's and the strain it put on their marriage. Promising memoir!
January 23, 2015
This 'elegy' (a poem of serious reflection, typically a lament for the dead) certainly is a reflection of a life gone as it tells the story of Iris Murdoch by her husband John Bayley. It rambles around the years circling back to her Alzheimer's disease. For a relatively short book it felt like it would never end.
September 15, 2022
This memoir works in part because it can be read at so many levels: as the honest story of a complex and original marriage, as a telling (there could be many) of the backstory of Iris Murdock’s creativity as a novelist, as a reflection on aging and disease and how to avoid falling into self-pity and depression. And, I would add, for Americans, a delightful journey into the personality, preferences and values of a quintessential Englishman. (For those puzzled by the idiosyncrasies of the latter, I highly recommend Kate Fox’s Listening to the English.)
Bayley’s endless reserves of humility and generosity, even in the face of the indignities of Alzheimer’s was to me truly inspiring. And, from a feminist perspective—how refreshing to read of a learned man who actually supported and respected his high-achieving wife, even when she could no longer achieve. His powers of observation of her preferences and habits, and of her unique personality were striking. How many know their spouses to this degree?
Also interesting:
—Bayley’s honesty about Iris’s bisexual polyamory and how he came to maintain equanimity about it.
—How the couple practiced and enjoyed separation and solitude within a very close marriage. They cultivated childish silliness even as they pursued brilliant intellectual careers.
—How swimming and place were important to them, even as they seemed to have been hoarders (or as psychologists might say) were context-independent.
—Book ends 15 months before Iris’s death (2/8/99). At the end of the book, her Alzheimer’s seems pretty advanced but clearly it gets worse. Wonder why Bayley ends the book here. Entirely possible that his caregiving became even more intense to preclude time to write.
—Beautiful use of the English language.
Bayley’s endless reserves of humility and generosity, even in the face of the indignities of Alzheimer’s was to me truly inspiring. And, from a feminist perspective—how refreshing to read of a learned man who actually supported and respected his high-achieving wife, even when she could no longer achieve. His powers of observation of her preferences and habits, and of her unique personality were striking. How many know their spouses to this degree?
Also interesting:
—Bayley’s honesty about Iris’s bisexual polyamory and how he came to maintain equanimity about it.
—How the couple practiced and enjoyed separation and solitude within a very close marriage. They cultivated childish silliness even as they pursued brilliant intellectual careers.
—How swimming and place were important to them, even as they seemed to have been hoarders (or as psychologists might say) were context-independent.
—Book ends 15 months before Iris’s death (2/8/99). At the end of the book, her Alzheimer’s seems pretty advanced but clearly it gets worse. Wonder why Bayley ends the book here. Entirely possible that his caregiving became even more intense to preclude time to write.
—Beautiful use of the English language.
December 2, 2014
We have seen this movie in school and had to use it to explain the content of our classes. I read the book in the hopes to get a bit more from it and perhaps to understand the character a bit better. However, I found the characters in the movie so different than the ones I read about in this book, that - to me - I cannot compare both.
I find the literary critics of this book somewhat confusing. They all talk of this great love, but that's not what I see in this. I felt a bit uneasy when reading about the relationship between John and Iris, as if the love was coming mostly from one direction. In her dementia, Iris does say she loves John, but often it doesn't feel that way. Their marriage somehow seemed to just happen, because it seemed the appropriate thing to do, not because a great love was present. The fact that Iris seems to have other relationships at the same time puts me off. Also, the John in the book, apart from the fact that he seems to idolize Iris, is much more likeable than he is in the movie and Iris much less so. He also keeps saying good things about Iris and hardly a bad thing but such a perfect person just doesn't exist. It makes me wonder what he doesn't know about her or is reluctant to share with us.
As far as the writing is concerned, he writes in a fluent way but I found the constant jumps in time and musing about the past or literature or philosophy slowed the story down a lot. He keeps referring to things he read in other books, but I didn't want to read about that, I wanted to read what happened. I think not half of the book is a story about their life and the rest are thoughts on various things. To me, that made the book rather hard to read.
All in all, I might read it again in the far future, if only to check out some of the other books he mentions. But I probably wouldn't if it weren't for that. I might try some of Iris' books though, to see what the fuss is all about ;-)
I find the literary critics of this book somewhat confusing. They all talk of this great love, but that's not what I see in this. I felt a bit uneasy when reading about the relationship between John and Iris, as if the love was coming mostly from one direction. In her dementia, Iris does say she loves John, but often it doesn't feel that way. Their marriage somehow seemed to just happen, because it seemed the appropriate thing to do, not because a great love was present. The fact that Iris seems to have other relationships at the same time puts me off. Also, the John in the book, apart from the fact that he seems to idolize Iris, is much more likeable than he is in the movie and Iris much less so. He also keeps saying good things about Iris and hardly a bad thing but such a perfect person just doesn't exist. It makes me wonder what he doesn't know about her or is reluctant to share with us.
As far as the writing is concerned, he writes in a fluent way but I found the constant jumps in time and musing about the past or literature or philosophy slowed the story down a lot. He keeps referring to things he read in other books, but I didn't want to read about that, I wanted to read what happened. I think not half of the book is a story about their life and the rest are thoughts on various things. To me, that made the book rather hard to read.
All in all, I might read it again in the far future, if only to check out some of the other books he mentions. But I probably wouldn't if it weren't for that. I might try some of Iris' books though, to see what the fuss is all about ;-)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 7, 2014
Elegy for Iris is, like the movie, like two stories wrapped into one.
The first is about the early days of romance and marriage for the book’s namesake, author Iris Murdoch and her husband and the book’s author John Bayley. The story starts in the 1950’s with them meeting and the nature of their relationship. Murdoch and Bailey’s open relationship and marriage was, what we would now call, polyamorous. That worked for them. At least according to what the author wrote, it did and there is no reason to doubt what he said.
The polyamorous relationship style seemed to end at some point and the second (and more compelling to me) story began. The real story was them coping with Murdoch’s diagnosis of and decline due to Alzheimer's disease. That was the heart of the book.
I think this resonated for me because I had an opportunity in my life to go through a widow and widowers group in my 30s. It was a shame it took the death of a loved one to get there. Ironically, tragic as it was the class was an amazing life affirming, love affirming, experience.
Unlike me, most of the other folks in our survivors group had helped their spouses and partners through a long lingering terminal disease. Each of their stories was, like Elegy for Iris, a very touching and tragic love story. The participants knew in the end they would not live happily ever after and love endured.
Bailey writes about how in their youth they took marriage for granted and in the end, he said, marriage took them for granted. Lastly, my mom had Alzheimers and I could relate to this too.
I will admit my bias due to may own life story. I found it to be a good and powerful book that resonated for me.
The first is about the early days of romance and marriage for the book’s namesake, author Iris Murdoch and her husband and the book’s author John Bayley. The story starts in the 1950’s with them meeting and the nature of their relationship. Murdoch and Bailey’s open relationship and marriage was, what we would now call, polyamorous. That worked for them. At least according to what the author wrote, it did and there is no reason to doubt what he said.
The polyamorous relationship style seemed to end at some point and the second (and more compelling to me) story began. The real story was them coping with Murdoch’s diagnosis of and decline due to Alzheimer's disease. That was the heart of the book.
I think this resonated for me because I had an opportunity in my life to go through a widow and widowers group in my 30s. It was a shame it took the death of a loved one to get there. Ironically, tragic as it was the class was an amazing life affirming, love affirming, experience.
Unlike me, most of the other folks in our survivors group had helped their spouses and partners through a long lingering terminal disease. Each of their stories was, like Elegy for Iris, a very touching and tragic love story. The participants knew in the end they would not live happily ever after and love endured.
Bailey writes about how in their youth they took marriage for granted and in the end, he said, marriage took them for granted. Lastly, my mom had Alzheimers and I could relate to this too.
I will admit my bias due to may own life story. I found it to be a good and powerful book that resonated for me.
September 4, 2008
Well, being that a movie was made out of this book I thought for sure that meant that it would be a decent book. Unfortunately I was wrong. I mean, come on. Judi Dench. Kate Winslet. Has to be good. Nope. This is a memoir written by the husband of Iris who is a victim of Alzheimer's. I have read memoirs, and I understand that a memoir is usual less captivating than a novel being that it is about someone's real life, but then minus the fact that this is not written by the person whom it is about, and then minus it being written by a terribly boring writer, and then subtract from all of that the fact that it doesn't follow any pattern of life, just tells story inside of another story then skips to a different story before ending that one and gets the reader thoroughly confused... Well, let's just say after all of that subtraction there simply isn't much left. I was sadly disappointed and, as difficult as it is for me to do, put the book `1down before I had completed it. Too many good books, too little time to spend on a disappointing one like this.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 217 reviews